What If
by Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall
Summary: Jenny hears a song on the radio that makes her think about the past. inspired by/songfic - What If by Kate Winslet. Jibbs. Really can't write summeries!


_**Hiyaa! **_

_**I know I'm meant to be working on Uncle Jazzy, but a massive pile of homework and writers block isn't really helping lol anyways, this is what happens when you're procrastinating! I reeeally couldn't be bothered with my chemistry homework and was watching Magic – this song came on and the story just appeared in my head ... well the idea did ... anyways I youtubed it and I've been working on this when I really cba with doing my homework! (trying to write something with a plot when you're procrastinating is really hard which is why this isn't Uncle Jazzy!) **_

_**This is set around season 4-ish, but it could really be anytime between the middle of season three and before Hollis Mann (damn her!) came into the picture. **_

_**Song is **_What If_** by **_Kate Winslet_** from **_Christmas Carol: The Movie_** – I know it's ancient! I was watching Magic's Top something love songs =P I don't own NCIS either! **_

* * *

Jenny Sheppard stormed out of her office, not caring about Cynthia and the agent standing outside her door though, escape was her only thought. She knew they wouldn't follow or try to talk to her. Even though she was hurting it looked like she was pissed off and that was usually enough to keep anyone away. Everyone except – damn! She shouldn't be thinking about him!

_That's what got you into this state in the first place,_ she thought bitterly as she reached the catwalk and leaned heavily against the banister.

Sighing, she closed her eyes, praying that this was the one time he didn't notice. She knew she wasn't over him, but she was doing a pretty good job of coping. That song just had to come on the radio and turn her sanctuary into her personal hell. She'd heard that song a total of four times in her life. It had almost reduced her to tears twice, and had succeeded once.

If you'd told her when she'd first heard it on the radio that it'd get this sort of reaction out of her she'd have laughed. But then when she'd heard it in that cab in London hours after leaving Jethro in Paris, she'd broken down. Then she'd heard it about a week after she'd become Director and again today, and both times she ended up fighting tears.

_It was seven years ago_, she thought to herself, while rubbing her temples in an attempt to calm down, _it shouldn't still affect me like this!_

She couldn't stop the lyrics swimming round her head. They seemed to fit even more now than they did seven years ago, and it was all she could do not to break down.

_Here I stand alone  
With this weight upon my heart  
And it will not go away_

Well that fit more now than ever, she thought, I'm standing on a catwalk looking down on a room full of people but I've never been more alone. Everyone down there has _someone_ who loves them, I don't. My family's dead and I pushed away the only man I've ever loved.

The knowledge that she'd made a mistake wouldn't leave her. When they were apart, it was easier to shrug it off. He'd be fine without her, she was fine without him. Then she'd saw him again and all those buried feeling had erupted again.

_In my head I keep on looking back  
Right back to the start  
Wondering what it was that made you change_

She looked back down into the bullpen, her eyes searching for that familiar silver hair. She found him sitting at his desk talking to McGee, completely oblivious to her watching eyes. If you looked at him, he was no different from when she'd left him in Paris. A little older, but that was about it.

Then you _really_ looked and you could see that he'd changed. He was more carefree back then, spontaneous and romantic. But now he fit the persona of the war-hardened ex-marine. Not that he wasn't like that before...but now there was nothing else there. No other side that only a few people got to see. The closest he got was the Papa Bear mode he took around his team – his family – when they were in trouble or did something right.

She wondered what had made him change, and hoped to God that it wasn't her leaving him.

_Well I tried  
But I had to draw the line  
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind  
_

She'd tried to have it all. She tried so hard to fit him into her Five Point Plan, but it didn't work. She'd had to make the decision. When she got the offer, she'd had to make a decision on the spot. She chose to put her career first and didn't ask him to go with her.

Part of her was scared he'd say no, but part of her was scared he'd say _yes_. Did she want him to give up his life for her? They'd been together a few years, but was she ready for that sort of commitment? She'd done what was best for her.

The what-if of that day still haunted her. Would anything have changed if she'd done something slightly differently?

_What if I had never let you go  
Would you be the man I used to know  
If I'd stayed  
If you'd tried  
__If we could only turn back time  
But I guess we'll never know  
_

_When I think back,_ she thought as she continued to stare unashamedly at Gibbs, _was there really anything that wrong with how it had been?_

Sure, they hadn't been perfect – but who was?

When she thought back to Paris, the first thing she remembered wasn't the sex or the mission. It was those stolen moments when it was just them. Like when he'd surprised her one night with a trip down the Seine. They'd spent the night sitting on the boat, just being together – _it_ was perfect, even if _they_ weren't.

If he'd told her about Shannon and Kelly, if he hadn't kept that hidden away, would she have doubted his feelings? He'd kept that hidden, but she'd suspected that it was something else. If she'd stayed would he have eventually told her? Would it have changed anything?

At that moment, Gibbs looked up and she looked away. He'd always been able to read her far too easily, and she didn't know what he'd see in her eyes at that moment. Sometimes, she caught him looking at her, but she wasn't sure if it was wishful thinking that made her see the same spark in his eyes as seven years ago.

She'd never know what might have happened. And that was what made her want to cry.

_Many roads to take  
Some to joy  
Some to heart-ache  
Anyone can lose their way  
_

Anyone could have made that decision; people make that same mistake all the time. I could have decided differently, but I'd have regretted it either way.

I had more options than stay or leave. Some would have hurt us more than necessary, and the one I choose was in that category. If I'd thought it through a little more, I could have spared us both the broken heart. Well, broken heart in my case. If I'd picked of the other options I might not be standing here but I'd be somewhere similar and I'd get the man of my dreams.

_And if I said that we could turn it back  
Right back to the start  
Would you take the chance and make the change__  
_

_If I suddenly decided that I wanted us back, would it really make a difference?,_ she thought dejectedly as her eyes made their way back to the object of her affections.

She could go down there and kiss him and make her feelings clear again, but would it be any different from how they left in Paris? Would he take the next step?

She didn't need marriage but she needed _something_. She wasn't willing to be stuck in limbo, and now the stakes were even higher. She was his boss, she couldn't afford for it to be a casual relationship.

Would he put her before the job? Would he let her in? More importantly, would _she_? It'd been her and the job for so long...was there room for another person?

_Do you think how it would have been sometimes  
Do you pray that I'd never left your side_

Sometimes, when she was feeling particularly down or after a bad day, she caught herself thinking about what it would have been like if she'd never left. Would there have been kids? Would they have eventually gotten married? Sometimes it was the simpler things – would they still flirt like they used to, have those little romantic moments? Would he still be able to cheer her up after a hard day?

Sometimes, she just wished she'd never left. She'd have taken being an agent for years if it meant they could be together.

_Sometimes_, she thought, _it_ _would_ _be nice to know I'm not the only one who feels like this._

_What if I had never let you go  
Would you be the man I used to know  
If I'd stayed  
If you'd tried  
If we could only turn back time  
But I guess we'll never know  
If only we could turn the hands of time  
If I could take you back would you still be mine_

The song always came back to that point, and so did she.

She shouldn't have left. He should have let her in. They'd both made mistakes and now they'd never know what they were missing out on. And even if she went back to change it would it have changed them? Or would it just be postponing the inevitable? Would she have left eventually? Or would she just have become another number?

_'Cos I tried  
But I had to draw the line  
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind  
_

That bit got her. Did she try? Did she _really_?

If she was honest, she didn't know. That kind of pointed to the _no_ category. She could admit to herself she was scared – scared of the commitment, scared of failing, scared the mission would come back to haunt her, scared of disappointing her dead father – but she couldn't admit she didn't try.

At the time she thought she'd tried, and even now she knew she'd tried...to an extent – but did that count?

_Well_, she thought quietly,_ I'm still asking myself if I did the right thing. I think that means I didn't_...

_What if I had never let you go  
Would you be the man I used to know_

Gibbs looked up again, sensing someone looking at him. This time she didn't look away, and their eyes met.

She involuntarily smiled, and she saw that look in his eyes again as he smiled back. The look that made her go weak at the knees – always had.

The look he was giving her was the same as the one he'd given her yesterday, and the one he'd given her when they'd left MTAC after she was appointed Director, the same as the one's he'd given her in Paris.

_That hasn't changed_, she thought as he looked back at his team, _but_ _we_ _have_.

_What if I had never walked away  
'Cos I still love you more than I can say_

And this is where I usually burst into tears, she thought as she looked at the ceiling – trying to stop the tears forming. She didn't see Gibbs look up again, and frown worriedly. His Jenny rarely cried, and even then she never did it in public. He got up from his desk and stood in front of it, if she got any worse or was still like that in ten minutes he was going up there.

She loved him, she _knew_ she loved him. From the first time she'd said it when she thought he couldn't hear to the first time she'd seen him in MTAC again, she'd loved him. It was easy to say you're over someone when you don't see them every day. But when you see them every day and realise that all your other relationships failed because you kept comparing everyone to a certain silver haired fox...

_If I never left you'd _know_ I love you_, she was crying inside refusing to let the tears fall, _but you don't. _

And you won't...because I'd never be able to get the words out_._

_If I'd stayed  
If you'd tried  
If we could only turn back time  
But I guess we'll never know  
We'll never know_

_Well_, she thought suddenly as the dejected voice echoed in her head, _what if I don't want to not know!_

She pushed away from the railing and started to walk down the stairs before she could rethink what she was doing and realise how _bad_ her plan was. It'd taken some Dutch courage the first time round, but this time she was doing it alone.

As she neared the bottom of the steps she saw Abby, Ducky and Palmer appear in the bullpen. _Just_ _what I need_, she thought, _a bigger audience_.

Gibbs had been watching her since she'd stormed onto the catwalk and was seriously worried about her, she looked close to tears! _That wasn't normal_. He looked up in surprise when he sensed her on the lower level of stairs. She looked more determined now, something he'd always found endearing.

The rest of the team followed Gibbs' curious gaze when he stopped talking, and they looked up to see the Director walking down the stairs like a woman on a mission.

Tony turned to the person next to him, who happened to be Ziva and whispered, "Wonder what the Boss did this time."

Gibbs was smirking by the time Jenny had stepped off the stairs, ready for whatever she was about to throw at him. He didn't know what he'd done wrong, but he felt the tension between them and knew that a fight was probably the only way to get rid of it for now. He was surprised to see a familiar, yet totally foreign, look on her face as she rounded the corner.

"Jen, what –" his question was cut off by her crashing into him and pulling his lips down to meet hers. _Or there's always_ _that_, he thought before he realised that this was really happening and responded to her almost immediately.

There was a collective gasp from the team (except Ducky who was trying _very_ hard not to laugh) as they saw the Boss and the Boss' Boss make out in the middle of the squad room. When Gibbs responded by pulling her closer and weaving his hands through her hair, Abby let out a loud squeal and started jumping up and down which alerted the rest of the room to what was going on. A few brave people wolf-whistled, but most people stood and stared silently. Knowing that if Gibbs or the Director caught them staring they'd be dead, but also not wanting to look away.

Gibbs finally pulled away, just enough to be able to look her in the eye, not moving his hands from her hair or waist. He didn't plan on letting her go anytime soon, "Was there a reason behind that?"

"Yeah," smiled Jenny, truly happy for the first time since Paris, "Now I know."

"Know what?" Gibbs whispered back, slightly annoyed that she was being so ambiguous when he could be making up for lost time.

"Know that I wasn't the only one whose feelings didn't change when we left Paris," she whispered back, not wanting to ruin the moment, "I still love you."

"I love you too," smiled Gibbs. He'd been waiting years to hear those words again, even if he didn't realise it.

The rest of the room couldn't hear the exchange between the couple, and let out a sigh of relief when Gibbs closed the distance between them and kissed her again.

Abby, however, read their lips and her ear-splitting scream was enough to pull the rest of the room to their senses (much like a head slap). Everyone suddenly moved back to what they were doing, trying (and failing) not to look in Gibbs and Jenny's direction while Tony grabbed the hyperactive Goth and lead the rest of the team to the sanctuary that was Autopsy.

Ducky could always say they had an infected body down there...

* * *

_**Okay, I know the ending is really crap but I really can't write romance. I tried a different ending, but it was a million times worse! This one actually makes sense – you can totally see them running away so that Jenny and Gibbs can't kill them when they realise they've been standing there staring! **_

_**So what did you think? Reviews pleeeeease! Love it? Hate it? Anything that I coulda done better? Wasn't really sure about how this turned out (I say that a lot don't I? haha) Tell me! OCD x**_

_**Oh, AN for **__**Edwaaaard-Bellaaa x3**__** – this is probz a complete surprise =P yhoo can kill me laters for not letting you see it heehee**_


End file.
